- "We're too old for this shit."
- ―Team Motto
In 26 ABY, a crack unit of venerable Dark Jedi were AWOLed by their anal retentive Clan leaders. These men promptly escaped from the Rogues to House Dinaari, in the Karufr underground. Today, inactive and cranky, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can actually convince them to be active, maybe you can hire... The Old Folks' Home.
History
Founding the Team
House Dinaari Logo
House Dinaari had always been a proud House, filled with many powerful members that often went on to become great leaders in the Dark Brotherhood, some even serving the Dark Council. Of course, after all these incredible stints of leadership, the members would return to their alma mater—Dinaari—ready for a good, long rest. While this was considered part and parcel for the loyal members of Taldryan, these aging superstars began to clog up the House's roster, sitting inactive until something interesting enough came along to motivate them to activity. This caused the House's Quaestors and Aediles a fair few headaches and a great amount of grief.
The solution to the problem came about in 26 ABY, when former Taldryan Proconsul, Sithspawn Taldrya, suggested building a facility on Karufr to separate the old members from the young. With enthusiastic approval from the Clan Summit, the project was green-lit and the foundations were laid within the week. Less than a month later the complex was completed, fully staffed, and ready for the elderly to move in. He dubbed the facility the Old Folks' Home.
Under the guise of an "elite" battle unit, the Home was set up to keep the old folk occupied until a vendetta came around that they could make themselves useful in. As those occasions were few and far between, it was decided the team members would need a caretaker—someone to ensure they didn't get the Clan into any trouble. Thus, the position of Sergeant was utilized to take command, though it was quietly referred to as the "Head Nurse" by other Summit members. With everything taken care of, the House Summit was able to leave the day-to-day care of the old people to the nurses, leaving them free to focus on the new, young members that were actually active.
Dissolution of a Clan
- "This doesn't affect us at all."
- ―Opinion of the Home's members
When the Dark Council decided to dissolve all the Clans and bring back Independent Houses, the members of the Old Folks' Home were decidedly apathetic. Though this was a period of great upheaval for many, they managed to remain untouched by the bedlam. The logistics behind the move were left to young upstarts better suited to such dull busy-work. Because the old folks were obstinate and far too set in their ways, the Home was left exactly as it was and got adopted by the new House Taldryan.
Despite the lack of any noticeable difference, some of the members grew to be even less active, sleeping through several major events despite pleas of assistance from the Summit. Because of this, Taldryan failed to maintain its first place standings and several of the other Clans-turned-Houses started getting uppity. These failures further served to isolate the team from the rest of the House. Things were beginning to look bleak for the aging Dark Jedi and it was wondered if the Home would be shut down as punishment for their inaction.
Mission: Incontinent
- "If you have a problem,
if no one else can help,
and if you can actually convince them to be active,
maybe you can hire... The Old Folks' Home."
- ―OFH Business Card
Everything changed when an ancient Sith pilot, known simply as Howlader, joined the Home. Arriving from the even more inactive Emperor's Hammer, he had seen the ravaging effects of inactivity and so brought with him a grand idea. To combat the ever-present boredom felt by some of the members, he suggested they open a mercenary-for-hire business run out of the Home's basement. The goal was to have kickass adventures and make tons of
Sabaac player credits without the Summit ever realizing what was going on. Joined by his friends Benevolent Whiner and Shadow Taldrya, the three started advertising for their super awesome team of soldiers of fortune.
Business quickly took off, with beings from all over the Brotherhood contracting the Home for impossibly dangerous tasks. Due to the workload, each job received its own unique team, specifically suited for the whatever the client required. Though the Sergeant remained a figurehead, team leaders were selected through heated games of Corellian-style Sabaac. These temporary leaders would then choose their party and plot out how to handle the task. Though such a scheme would rarely be effective, the old folks knew how to get things done, and they always managed, against all odds, to complete their mission.
The Home
- "If you see any damn kids on the lawn, shoot 'em."
- ―Howlader, being ornery
"The Home" served as the team's headquarters and base of operations, located in the Karufr underground, far from the oversight of the Taldryan leadership and away from the damn kids and their noise. To set up their base, the team acquired an old, expansive villa that had once served as the Consul's leisure estate. B.H. Cotelin himself oversaw the acquisition and construction of The Home, wanting to ensure it perfectly matched the teams' needs.
One of the most noted "features" of The Home was its complimentary nursing staff, comprised entirely of humanoids rather than the customary Droid medics. Each member of the team had his own private nurse for personal care, grooming, and exercise... and whatever else the nurses could be talked into providing. The staff ensured that the team's members were well cared for and kept in shape for their missions. The nurses also served as a secretarial service when required, keeping away the young House members and handling incoming requests for assistance.
Main Floor of the Home
Main Floor
- "Best. Home. Ever."
- ―Everyone
The main floor of the home was designed with the comfort of members as a top priority. Three rooms dominated the floor, all explicitly added to ensure the old folk were kept happy and occupied. The first was the rec room, an impressively large chamber filled with recliners, large televisions, poker tables, and even a shuffle board. It was connected to the nurse's station who provided special care and lots and lots of medications. Also connected to the rec room was the cafeteria and kitchens, so the members didn't have to go far to get a snack or a drink.
The second room held Oasis, the in-house bar and nightclub, which provided an astonishing variety of alcohol in vast quantities. Oasis was a hot spot for Dark Brotherhood dignitaries, Elders, and other wealthy or influential Dark Jedi. With revenues and tips through the roof, the club attracted the hottest dancers and the most risqué of burlesque shows from all corners of the Galaxy.
The third, and most prized possession of the Home was its Library. Though a small annex was left for actual books and archives, 90% of the room was devoted to the largest and most diverse collections of pornography ever collected. Members could check out material to take back to their quarters or make use of the special private rooms if they were in a hurry. The porn library was professionally lit and had its own sound system, both designed to set the right mood for, um... relaxation. Because it was so beloved, the members had Benevolent install a state-of-the-art security system to protect the porn that prevented it from being touched by non-team members. To help members find their way through the collection, the team hired a librarian. She was, of course, of the naughty/sexy variety.
The Sub-Basement
- "For the love of pandas, Howie. DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING!"
- ―Benevolent, protecting his projects
Secret Sub-basement of the Home
The Sub-Basement of the Home, better known as "Ben's Lair", was the domain of Benevolent Taldrya Whiner, Sergeant and overall "leader" of the team. From here, he oversaw the creation, repair, and replacement of the team's various gadgets and other equipment, spending so much time underground that he had his personal quarters located outside his lab. Upon exiting the turbolifts, members had to pass through stringent security measures (mainly installed to keep Howlader at bay) to enter the rest of the floor.
The sub-basement was designed to house the team's mercenary operations, which was kept hidden from the annoying members of the rest of the House. First stop after security was the communications room, filled with cutting edge equipment used to monitor comm traffic and download the latest high-definition vids from across the Galaxy. Across from the comms room was the armory, a spacious chamber filled with weapons, munitions, and (of course) armor. Generally, it was filled wall-to-wall with energy cells and Bryar pistols as it was the team's blaster of choice. Between the communications center and armor was the Home's generator. Access to this was restricted to Benevolent only, for obvious reasons.
Across the hall from the armory was the tech lab, the heart of Ben's Lair. Filled with strange equipment, half-completed gadgets, and dangerous inventions, the tech lab was a scary place to visit... especially if Howlader accompanied you. Whether you needed to repair your lightsaber or the damn sex droids were acting up again, the tech lab was there to accommodate you.
At the far end of the sub-basement were two small rooms, one for the storage of various miscellaneous items and the other a small repair shop for the often ailing Freighter used on missions. The super secret hangar that held Senility was found just beyond these rooms—a vast chamber with remote-controlled bay doors that opened up on the grounds of Karufr. It was high-tech and very, very cool.
Senility
Main Article: XS-800 Light Freighter
- "The finest ship ever constructed... a thousand years ago."
- ―Shadow Taldrya
Senility
Senility was an aging Corellian Engineering Corporation Light Freighter, designed around the comfort of its passengers. An ideal vessel for the Home, it could sustain atmospheric flight and had a powerful double laser cannon, which provided some offensive power. The ship was bought for a steal (or it may have been stolen) and provided the team with a mostly reliable means of transportation. Due to its age, however, the team made some concessions and decided modify the ship slightly to make it more suitable for their operations.
Since it was never used for sustained travel, much of the cargo bay space was converted to a small bar and lounge, where members could grab a quick drink or play some poker during Lightspeed travel. Because the old Class 3 drive was deemed too slow, the team upgraded to a Class 1 Hyperdrive so they could get to their destinations and complete their missions faster. The common area was also upgraded with expensive reclining chairs and a fancy home theater system.
The XS-800 had quarters for up to ten people, each with their own bunk, refresher and independent climate control. This made voyages that much more comfortable, as most of the team needed a solid eighteen hours of sleep to properly function. Indeed, Senility was definitely the perfect ship for the Old Folks' Home.
De-Classified Missions
- "Don't bother us unless there's a Great Jedi War."
- ―Standard team response to activity requests
| List of Old Folks' Home Missions
|
| Date
|
Mission
|
Leader
|
Team Members
|
| 34 ABY
|
OFH versus the Grand Master
|
Jac Cotelin
|
Benevolent Taldrya Whiner, Howlader, Shadow Taldrya
|
| The team is contracted by the Herald's Office to track down and eliminate a Brotherhood traitor who is selling secrets to the Imperial Remnant. They travel from Coruscant to Bastion to track their prey, the adventure culminating in an insanely climactic battle against a legion of Imperial troops and an old Grand Master.
|
| 35 ABY
|
OFH versus the Blue Alien Chick
|
Shadow Taldrya
|
Benevolent Taldrya Whiner, Howlader
|
| Benevolent's latest invention, a dimensional transporter, is accidentally set off by Howlader, sending the entire team into the unfamiliar Mass Effect universe. Upon their arrival, the team interrupts a mercenary gunfight and rescues a blue-skinned alien. Shadow "befriends" the woman and offers to help her escape her enslavement to a barbaric, alien warlord.
|
| 35 ABY
|
OFH versus the White Whale
|
Sithspawn Taldrya
|
Benevolent Taldrya Whiner, Howlader, Shadow Taldrya
|
| After receiving a bounty request for the Independence Games, Sithspawn forcibly drags the team to the Cocytus System to capture the legendary white whale. Using a specially modified Lambda-class Shuttle, the team manages to harpoon the behemoth and return it to Antei without encountering any notable resistance.
|
| 35 ABY
|
OFH versus the Tractor Beam
|
Benevolent Whiner
|
Howlader, Shadow Taldrya
|
| Shaz'air Taldrya, leader of House Taldryan orders the team to assault an Arconan refinery that orbits the planet Ereboros. In a strange turn of events, Benevolent ends up taking the lead and manages to actually stick to the plan, while Shadow and Howlader get themselves captured by Marick Del'Abbot, the Quaestor of House Qel-Droma.
|
| 36 ABY
|
OFH versus the Council of Newb
(Run On Edition!)
|
Keirdagh Taldrya Cantor
|
Shadow Taldrya, Howlader, Benevolent Taldrya Whiner, Tarax Eosphoros Kor, Chaosrain Taldrya
|
| Cajoled into action by the biased Deputy Grand Master, Halcyon Taldrya, the Old Folks' Home is sent to investigate some of the recent suspicious activity surrounding the Grand Master's Royal Guard. Through their slapstick machinations, the team discovers a terrifying secret about the Brotherhood's leaders that will shake the Brotherhood to the very core of its Brotherhood...
|
| 36 ABY
|
OFH versus The Fortress of Doom
(Run On Edition!)
|
Coryn Vance
|
Jac Cotelin, Halcyon Taldrya, Keirdagh Taldrya Cantor, Shadow Taldrya, Benevolent Taldrya Whiiner
|
| The OFH is ordered to assist in the conquest of Rhelg. Under the command of Nephilim, Coryn Vance, the team embarks on a dangerous mission of sex, lies, and betrayal! Their objective is to secure the ancient fortress of Ludo Kressh and defeat the One Sith threat before succumbing to the mind-bending effects of a deadly ritual.
|
OFH Wenches' Tales
Summary of the Wenches' Tales. Grand stories of impossible feats and quirks of the eccentric Old Folks' Home. (Get it? It's like Old Wives' Tales, but OFH-y)
The "Oh Howie"
- "Howie, we need a miracle and we need it fast"
"Then it's time to pull the tried and true 'Oh Howie'!"
"For the love of hell, Howie, noooooooooooo!""
- ―Shadow and Howlader, moments before another death-defying Oh Howie
The "Oh Howie" (latin. Nam Howie perdere, primum acceditur est dementia // lit. For Howie to destroy, the first approach is madness) was the technical term used by members of the Old Folks' Home to describe the insane, dangerous, and often suicidal piloting maneuvers Howlader would often attempt in the face of overwhelming odds. Weirdly enough, an "Oh Howie" has never been repeated more than once and each one involves a new life-threatening tactic created on the fly by Howlader. Miraculously, or in "Star Wars" terms because of the Force, these gambits always paid off, allowing the team to complete impossible missions and survive certain death... usually at the same time. Despite the fact that an "Oh Howie" has never failed, the team (especially Benevolent) was very much afraid whenever Howlader announced his attentions to once again thrust in the face of death.
Chaos' Law
Character Dossiers
The first OFH members. From left to right: Thrustworthy, B.H. Cotelin (below), Bootman, and Howie
Assault Personnel
Jac "B.H." Cotelin
- Main article: Jac Cotelin
Biography
- "I'll hunt down that buffalo and give her what for!"
- ―Jac Cotelin
Jac Cotelin was a Grand Master. Nothing else needs to be said.
Specialties
- Leadership
- Intelligence-gathering
- Riding into battle on starships
Shadow "Thrustworthy" Taldrya
- Main article: Shadow Taldrya
Biography
- "Do you mind if I fight without any pants?"
- ―Shadow Taldrya
The resident ladies' man, Shadow Taldrya was an odd mixture of incorrigible sex addict and unstoppable killing machine. In both these capacities he managed to serve the team, using his magnetic personality to build contacts and turn assets to his side while, as a warrior, he was first on the field when situations inevitably turned ugly.
Specialties
Benevolent "Bootman" Whiner
- Main article: Benevolent Taldrya Whiner
Biography
- "Marmalade."
- ―Benevolent Whiner
Benevolent Taldrya Whiner served as the team's resident genius, his aptitude for the subtle art of hacking and electronic warfare offset by his love of big explosions. Unfortunately, these same skills made Benevolent a primary choice for dangerous missions, placing him in the company of the reckless, and much more resilient, Elders. The frequent danger would take its toll on the Adept's psyche, and he was often forced, kicking and screaming, to jump into dangerous situations where the odds of survival were practically nil.
Specialties
- Electronic Warfare
- Demolitions
Support Personnel
Other OFH Members. From left to right: Bias, GHIP, The Pole, and Failure Incarnate
Kir Katarn
- Main article: Kir Katarn
Biography
- "I think I went gay!"
- ―Kir Katarn, singing "Gone Gay"
The Kir needs updating. After throwing off the shackles of oppression (the fuzzy pink kind), he joined up with the OFH as the team's consigliere. As consigliere, Kir was recognized as the team advisor and statesman, often using the guise of the respected Elder to further OFH business across the Galaxy. His other duties included legal expertise based on his time as Justicar. It was Kir's job to keep members of the OFH from getting into too much trouble within the Brotherhood and with the Galactic Republic. He is still very much gay.
Specialties
- Statesmanship
- Speaks "legalese"
- Being gay
Telaris "Mav" Taldrya Cantor
- Main article: Telaris "Mav" Cantor
Biography
- "She said she wants to sexually ravage me, but I don't want to ruin our friendship."
- ―"Mav"
Pretty sure it was something about the OFH being so unruly and bastardish that we needed a gifted diplomat and ambassador to smooth over relations with the constantly offended Houses, Clans, Dark Council, and Galactic Republic. Mav has a special way about him that, while irksome to the zanier OFH members, serves well outside of the Home.
Specialties
- Being friend-zoned
- Making Cloud-babies
- Think it had to do with diplomacy?
Howlader AKA "Howie"
- Main article: Howlader
Biography
- "Pandas? Pandas!"
- ―Howlader
Ornery by nature, Howlader was the gruff, lovable, and slightly deranged pilot for the Old Folks' Home. His years spent in the Imperial Naval Service had honed his ample natural talents and made him one of the best pilots and navigators the Brotherhood had to offer. However, old age eroded much of his military-instilled, by-the-book sense of duty, paving the way for the much crazier, often death-defying, flying by the seat of your pants approach.
Specialties
- Piloting
- Navigation
- Crazy-ass stunts
Auxiliary Personnel
Keirdagh "The GHIP" Taldrya Cantor
- Main article: Keirdagh Taldrya Cantor
Biography
- "I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!"
- ―Keirdagh Taldrya Cantor
Keirdagh Taldrya Cantor was the team's best dogfighter. He was also the team's only dogfighter. This wasn't an oversight by team "leader" Benevolent, it's just that Keirdagh was so good he made the need for other fighter pilots obsolete. It also helped that Keirdagh was one of the team's Dark Jedi Masters. In his personal craft, an A-9b Vigilance nicknamed, Starscream, Keirdagh would take on entire enemy squadrons solo, keeping Senility and the rest of the team safe during transit or when engaging in space-related missions.
Specialties
- Space Superiority
- Training future GHIP's
- Zero G Drink mixology
Sithspawn "Ziggy" Taldrya
- Main article: Sithspawn Taldrya
Sithspawn "Ziggy" Taldrya
Biography
- "Gentlemen, stand ready. We have come here, at great peril, to claim a bounty upon a vile creature, the mere visage of which is enough to ruin a Hutt's appetite. I intend, fully, to take you into harm's way in pursuit of this beast. We shall pursue it, if need be, to the very ends of the galaxy. This, my good chaps, is our finest hour."
- ―Sithspawn Taldrya, preparing the troops to capture the White Whale
Sithspawn Taldrya was the team's resident alcoholic, well-trained in the arts of bounty hunting and biological warfare (the latter conducted with his penis). Though often given to bouts of liquor-fueled delusion, Sithspawn still managed to be a capable fighter and an important member of the team. It should also be reported that he had an odd habit (possibly a hobby) of dragging the team on missions to capture great white whales for sport or profit. Generally, the team accepted these strange adventures without remark.
Specialties
- Bounty Hunting/Tracking
- Whaling
- Sexual Warfare
Chaosrain "Failure Incarnate" Taldrya
Main article: Chaosrain Taldrya
Biography
- "I am the measure of fail."
- ―Chaosrain Taldrya
Chaosrain Taldrya was one of the more junior members of the Old Folks' Home. Unlike the others, who were all brimming with amazingness, Chaosrain served as the counter to the team's excellence. In fact, Chaosrain was added to the team as a way to balance out the universe, as it was believed that, without a proper foil, the OFH would cause the universe to implode. Therefore, Chaosrain serves the team by making everything they do that much more difficult.
Specialties
Tarax "The Pole" Kor
- Main article: Tarax Eosphoros Taldrya Kor
Biography
- "Making others feel bad is awesome."
- ―Tarax Kor
Tarax was big, mean, and under certain lighting conditions very pole-like. In any situation, he was the first to come up with a horrible idea that would surely lead to everyone's imminent doom, no matter how amusing attempting it might be.
Specialties
- Crushing people's spirits
- Chasing away newbs
- Finding porn
Additional Characters
Halcyon "The Bias" Taldrya
- Main article: Halcyon Taldrya
Biography
- "I was raised on the bias, bitch."
- ―Halcyon Taldrya
Halcyon Taldrya was officially labeled an ex-member of the Old Folks' Home after returning to active duty as first Voice of the Brotherhood then, even worse, Deputy Grand Master. However, although he was publicly shunned by his former team mates for these traitorous actions, Halcyon actually continued to serve the team as a deeply embedded Dark Council mole, relaying pertinent information to the Home.
Specialties
Taig the Evil JST (maybe?)
Biography
- "I'll get you next time, OFH. Next time!"
- ―?
? was the Justicar of the Dark Brotherhood and thus the main opposition of the Old Folks' Home. Due to their special way of achieving victory, the Justicar's office would be inundated with complaints about the rascals from the Home, causing ? a great deal of grief. He made it his mission in life to reign in the unruly team and catch them involved in something he can permanently punish them before... thus far, his dream as proved impossible.
Specialties
- Justice
- Foiling the OFH
- Being ?
WIP! (Need a new archvillian)
Trivia